So the Giant and I are friends now, right. And, as is my custom, I grant myself permission to tease him relentlessly. It’s how I show my lurve, y’all. If I’m not teasing you, at some point, it means I don’t give a shit about you.
This week, the Giant has been posting a lot of… Well, not very manly statuses on facebook. In particular, something about how he almost cried watching SVU and another one about how he lit a candle in his room — but not just any candle… His Yankee Candle Company Sugar Cookie candle. Oof. So, I’m busting his balls for acting like a lady and it’s funny because there’s nothing about him that is at all feminine.
I feel like I can crack jokes with the Giant and it’s fun and playful. The Giant had been severely cock-blocked that night at a bar and this dude, (let’s call him Clue by Four) one of the Giant’s friends, was busting his balls about it, except he wasn’t really funny. Something about how the Giant should ‘take his finger out of his vagina.’
Now… Let’s just talk about that phrase, “take your finger out of your vagina.” I don’t know about you girls, but I’m not sure there are many instances where I put just ONE finger in my vagina. And further, I can’t really think of an instance where I’m just putting fingers in my vagina. Is this how this doofus thinks women masturbate? “Oh yea, it feels so good to put one lady finger in my vagina-hole.”
Now, let’s take a look at this ball buster. Seriously… THAT’S him.
So, the Giant and I are are laughing at Clue by Four and WELL lookie there, I get a friend request from this joker.
So, this is how the instant message exchange went:
The Giant: he’s annoying the shit out of me. thanks for the deflection
Jami: who is he?
Jami: ohfor fuck’s sake. http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs126.snc3/17374_401780485293_783145293_10395696_3605240_n.jpg seriously?
Jami: that’s the closest i’m sure he’s gotten to pussy in a long, long time.
ZING! Always good with the one-liners. And then….
Jami: aw shit. now he’s friend requesting me.
The Giant: hahaha
The Giant: That’s why he’s bothering me. He keeps talking shit to me. I wouldn’t doubt if that motherfucker was still a virgin.
Jami: … i’m in prime position to really play a nice prank on him, man.
Jami: “god, your dimples are dreamy [clue by four]. are you single?”
The Giant: hahaha. you’re evil
Jami: i told you man. i’m a bitch. nobody believes me.
What? Don’t judge me. You know stuff like that crosses your mind, too.
Jami: friend request accepted.
The Giant: hahaha
Jami: oh GOD. he’s one of THOSE. as soon as i accepted his friend request, he posted on my wall.
The Giant: I told you. Virgin. haha
Jami: i’m totally going to play into this. you have to tell me to stop, otherwise, i’m going to reply with like… “hey there handsome.”
The Giant: I’m not telling you to do shit.
Lookit him! Not quite taking the high road… Not quite taking the low road. Ahhh, sweet ambivalence. It only encourages me.
Jami: OMFG. NOW HE’S IM-ING ME
The Giant: hahahaha
Jami: he said, “boo” then i waited about ten minutes. said “hi” and nothing.
Jami: what a weirdo
The Giant: I’m telling you, he’s the fucking vagina. That’s why he’s annoying me.
Jami: see, now i’ve got the plot of a lame 90s teen movie in my head.
Jami: i can lure him into my trap… totally emasculate him… catch him in the act, and then you get vindicated.except… what’s in it for me?
Jami: will you get me a prom date with jake?
The Giant: hahahaha
Jami: i don’t want to end up with duckie… i mean, i love the guy… but c’mon. those shoes.
The Giant: Duckie…is that Pretty In Pink or 16 Candles?
Jami: oh it doesn’t matter. they’re all the same.
And then, like any great conversation with me, a tangent:
Jami: i really want to have a date with that fucking whatshisname bad boy in the breakfast club. i bet he’d be vicious in bed.
The Giant: Hell no. Emilio Estevez was probably the viscious one
Jami: whatever. too clean cut. and TANK TOPS. come on.
So, now… You’re all, “Jami! You’re so mean!” Let me run down the first few minutes of my conversation with the Clue by Four.
Clue by Four: boo
Jami: hi. i’ve got a meeting with a client, brb.
Clue by Four: ok
Clue by Four: yay. now, get your finger out of your vagina
Now back to the Giant…
Jami: that’s his opener.
The Giant: wow
Now back to Clue by Four…
Jami: “you’re familiar with hyperbole, right?”
Clue by Four: I suppose so, why?
OH! Oh… Bless his heart.
So then he proceeds to run through an entire painful parade of cliches — “So what kinds of things do you do for fun?” and the like…
And then, after about seven or eight minutes of chatting, he delivers:
Clue by Four: lol, ok so say we went out on a first date…what would be your ideal place?
Jami: i wouldn’t go on a date with you. i mean, not to be a mega cunt or anything.
Clue by Four: well…okay then
Jami: but i’m not really interested in dating someone so far away. the giant and i dated for a little while and ultimately, he was way too far. you live even farther.
And then the line went dead.
I mean, does that work? “Oh man. She’s hot.” And ten minutes later a virtual ask out? Without knowing anything about me? It’s so bizarre to me. For sure, I’ll think someone is hot and I’ll WANT to go out with them, but I really want to learn a little bit about then first, right? I mean, if he’s mega hot but also a Klansman or something, that’s gonna kinda be a deal breaker for me.
Bless Clue by Four’s heart. He is still my friend on Facebook, but I’m not sure if he’s gonna be once I put this post up.