As I often do, after a romance gone bad, I reflect a little bit and try to figure out what I need to learn, what I need to laugh about, and what I need to throw away. I always end up back at the list.
When I was in junior high school, I was heavily involved in my church. One lesson we had that still has an effect on me was the lesson about your list — creating a list of what kind of man you want God to bring into your life and praying to God to fulfill the desires of your heart. In theory, it’s a great idea. I’m no longer a Christian, but I do believe in the power of manifestation. I think if you set your heart on a goal, you’ll get it… Eventually. Heh.
So I constructed my list. Back in the day it had things like, “He should be a strong man of God and want to lead people to Jesus.” Blah ditty blah blah stuff. I found my copy of this list a few years ago and thought I had tucked it away into a special spot but I’ve lost it and don’t think I’ll ever find the original again. It would be pretty entertaining to find it, for sure.
A lot of things on my list have changed. Obviously, I don’t care if he’s a good student in his school anymore. But here’s my most recent edit of the list, last updated in May of 2009:
- a creative man
- dark and sarcastic
- totally silly but oozing cool
- reformed bad boy (meaning, has actually experienced some sketchy things and turned his back on them)
- handy around the house/building shit
- he should be funny, but not one of those guys who has to be the center of attention.
- he should find my precocious nature adorable and even encourage it…
- he doesn’t care for sports, but would kill for his family.
- drama doesn’t circulate around him, rather, it seems to bounce off of him.
- he has a healthy lifestyle but isn’t obsessed with his physique.
- his parents are still married and in love.
- he doesn’t have a job, he has a career. and he loves it
- he thinks pregnant women are beautiful and admires stretch marks as battle scars.
- he’s much taller than me… makes me feel bitty.
- he’s probably a bit of a nerd, but in the way that i’m a bit of a nerd. i am a really cool person, but deep down, i’m such a nerd, man… you know, he should still have social skills, but totally geek out on software and typography. (oooh typography…)
- he should pursue me and win me over. i refuse to chase a man ever again.
- he should respect my journey as a single mother.
- he’ll likely have tattoos
- he’ll care about his appearance, but not obsess.
- he’ll prefer me without makeup.
- he’ll have calloused hands.
- he’ll have a long, lean frame… chicken legs… muscular, but still very sinewy.
- totally corny
- absolutely edgy, and not in a he-tries-hard way. he just is.
- like my dad, only add a pinch of rock and roll and a touch more ego.
- a love for pablo neruda
- maybe bilingual…?
- appreciation for ani difranco… not necessarily enough to have to go to shows with me, but enough to play it in the car and sing along with me.
- he should like giving massages and be good at it.
Dee-lite thinks my list is dating cryptonite. And it’s not meant as the be-all, end-all of what I want in a man. It’s not a check list so much as a wish list…
Do I expect for a man to stumble into my life and be EVERYTHING on my list? Pfft, right! Am I keenly aware of the things I actually DO want in a man and therefore would be receptive to a man with many of these things on my list? You’d think. Heh.
I’m not sure what to do with this list now. I mean, clearly, I don’t need to date for a while. I’m a bad chooser. I pick men who mislead — whether intentionally or not. If they intend to mislead me, I fall into their traps. If they don’t intend to mislead me, often they try so hard to be someone that they think I want, that I fall into that trap. I think a period of solitude would do me good.
But I’m not getting rid of my list because, really… I think there’s probably a man out there that fits.
In the spirit of forever-editing, I’m adding a few:
- must understand manergy and not mistake it for sexism
- must be as sexually driven as me
- must “get” that I am who I am and not want to change me