Fuck you, HipSlimmer

It is a pleasurable pastime of mine to make jokes about the painfully awkward and poorly planned Facebook ads that appear in my sidebar.

You see, on Facebook you can target your ads to specific demographics based on age, relationship status, location, sex… Even interests.

So if I want my ad to target 18-25 year old Japanese men who are fans of Lady GaGa, I’ve zeroed in on my target market for that warehouse of meat dresses I’m trying to sell.

Sometimes, these marketing types really miss the mark. Like that one time, I kept getting ads for gay marriage services? Clearly, it was because I just got engaged and I am a fan of equal marriage rights. In the marketer’s eyes, there’s something like a 42% chance* that those two factors make me gay.

*Real math, bitchezzz

Or what about this one?

Are you qualified to be a substance abuse counselor? Well, if you’d died your hair to look like a grey-haired Cougar’s stretchy pants, then, WINNER! It only takes one year!

I don’t know about you, but I’d feel a LOT more confident in my teen addict son’s drug counselor if they had “street cred” by way of hipster fashion sense.

Sometimes the marketers get it right though… Case in point, check out this sweet and bitching Kenny Powers ad that showed up as a sponsored story because my friend Stephanie liked the page.

High five to Stephanie and you, Mr. Powers.

As an online marketer myself, I think I have less patience for this bullshit than regular ol’ Joes, so I realize that my bitching and ranting about this kind of thing can be see as over reacting or something like that. But, if you’re not familiar with me, this is what I do… I find things that make me crazy and I bitch about them.

Some people like to decoupage. Some bitches like knitting. I just like bitching.

So imagine the furious rage boiling inside me when I saw THIS ad in my sidebar this morning:

I shared it on my Facebook profile this morning with this status:

This mother and feminist says fuck you, HipSlimmer. I hate shit like this — pressure on mothers to make their bodies look the same as they did before they had children. Your life isn’t the same, so neither will your body be…

Have we stumbled back in time? Are we seriously expected to start wearing corsets again? What’s next? Foot binding?

Dropping the baby WEIGHT can be a healthy endeavor, though I think it should be the last thing on your mind when you’re caring for a newborn. RESHAPING YOUR HIPS after your baby is born is a ridiculous notion that makes me want to shake the shoulders of every paying customer of the HipSlipper, slap them across the face and shriek, “Get a hold of yourself, woman!”

Obviously this shit is really bothering me this morning.

Oh, and isn’t it sweet how this cute young couple got their start? Her doctor husband worked tirelessly to find a way to MAKE HER FRIENDS HIPS SMALLER after they had kids.

Please, Doctor! Help me not be such a huge, disgusting whale! That relaxin that was released during labor is really making it hard to fit into my size 0 designer jeans!

For crying out loud.

There’s another notch in the headboard for the war on women.

That totally looks like the body of a woman who has carried a child to term, NOT a 14 year old girl.

I can’t even understand how a woman is supposed TO SIT DOWN in this contraption, much less spend the first two months of her baby’s life being worried about HOW WIDE HER HIPS ARE rather than, oh I don’t know, taking care of her baby’s needs. Can you imagine how restful that first two months of sleep would be? It’s already a crap shoot because the baby wakes you up all night, but with the hipslimmer, you can be sure that you will get ZERO sleep. Just think of how slim your hips will be, though!

I will leave you with the comment that one of my friends, Kit, made on my Facebook status about this atrocity:

Maybe the ad should read: “Look like a grown woman? Try and satisfy your husband’s pedophile tendencies by mashing your bones together!”