You and I are dating, right? and we’re out on a Friday night, throwing darts at walls and drinks down our throats. The music is loud, we’re louder. It’s a fuzzy haze of flirtations and glances and leaning into one another’s bodies, building up the expectation for what will happen once we get back to your place.
We’re practically spilling up the stairs to your apartment, the familiarity of each other’s steps leading us toward your door. You shove the key in the door while my hands trace down your back and my fingers slink into your belt loops…
And then, for sure… The sex. The amazing, incredible sex.
Our bodies are tangled into one another, supremely blissed out beyond measure. Your breaths become long and soft as the fatigue and the alcohol start to take over your body. And me? I’m curled up into your chest, the little spoon… Staring at the wall, eyes wide open with an insane preoccupation of my own breathing. Don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep. Or, Jesus Jami… if you do, keep your fucking mouth shut or something.
WHY am I terrified of falling asleep when I’m sharing a bed with someone I care about? Well… I snore.
I snore a lot. And I’m not talking about a cute little spout of translucent Z’s that come fluttering out of my mouth and gradually disappear into the ceiling… I’m talking about some weird squeaking, honking, groaning, gasping sleep apnea shit. It is… It’s just not cute.
I’m not obsessed with being cute. I enjoy being cute and I make some effort to try to be a little cute every day. I’ll pin my hair up, even if I’m wearing something schlumpy. I’ll throw a little mascara on to distract from my tired eyes… I’ll put on a cute cardigan with a plain tshirt. But this snoring thing?
It’s not cute. It’s the antithesis of cute. My exboyfriend, the sociopath, hated it. I think that’s where my complex with it really stems from… He refused to wear earplugs and would insist that I buy this mouthguard or that nose strip or that throat spray. And when those things didn’t work, he’d lie awake at night, silently simmering and growing to resent me more and more every night.
I’d wake up in the morning, seeking happy snuggles… Hearing birds chirping in my imagination and I’d be met with a dead, cold stare and a sarcastic, “How’d YOU sleep? Because I want to tell you how I slept!” It sucked. I felt powerless… There wasn’t really anything I could DO about it!
All of that was more than two years ago, and I’ve still got issues. The strep throat that I had repeatedly over the last year hasn’t helped the issue either. I’m supposed to get my tonsils out but you know, I don’t have $500 for my deductible laying around and I also don’t have 5-10 days to lay around recovering from oral surgery. So I keep putting it off. At this point, it makes sense to wait until next year when the money could be applied to next year’s deductibles, right?
On Tuesdays, I don’t have to be at work until (muffle) o’clock. That is to say, I think I’m scheduled at 10:30 but it’s been so freakin’ slow lately that there’s no reason for me to come in that early. Also, I like to sleep in… It’s a little treasure to get out of bed, take the kid to school and then come back and slip back under the covers. Sometimes, they’re still warm.
I curled back into bed this morning and took my ritual little cat nap and it wasn’t very restful. I felt like I was gasping for air, like I was shocked. “*gasp!* What a killer purse!” Not like a really deep gasp, but a gasp nonetheless. In this half-sleeping place, I decided to record myself with my webcam while I continued to sleep. Immediately after I opened the program and pressed record, I drifted back to sleep.
What happened after that was… horrifying. Fifteen minutes of me sleeping… Or you know, trying to sleep between grunts and honks and squeaks and even some kind of baritone singing? Who the fuck knows. What I do know is that I’m not getting rest. And it all makes sense… I mean, I knew I needed my tonsils out, but that was related to the dormant crud that lives in the crevasses and keeps giving me strep. I knew I snored, but I didn’t realize how terrible it was.
I intend to post the video, if for no other reasons than a) so that you guys can laugh with me at how horrible it is and so that b) maybe it’ll help educate some people (I haven’t been able to find a sleep apnea video of a woman yet) and c) because I need to fucking exercise this demon.
I’m so much cuter than Gollum. I can’t keep ignoring this issue and shrugging my shoulders. I feel TERRIBLE sleeping next to the Sous like this.
The first night I stayed over at his house, I slept like a ton of bricks and he curled into my back to wake me up in the morning. He had slept on the couch. ON THE COUCH. It was that bad. It doesn’t help that he’s a light sleeper… But god. He slept on HIS couch the first time I stayed over.
He assures me it’s a non-issue. He bought these little earplugs all on his own. Little foam purple relationship-savers. “If this is the worst thing about you, then we’re going to be fine.” He’s so super understanding… And he tried so hard to cheer me up on my ride into work this morning.
But I’m sour-faced… And I’m going to post the video tonight… Or maybe tomorrow. I just had to get this post up now. Bleh.