In an emotional rut…

After what happened last Friday, it’s been hard to refocus. I took the boy to urgent care on Saturday because he spiked a sudden fever of 102. We left with a diagnosis of the flu and prescriptions that totaled nearly $100. Looking over the last several days, I’m actually grateful that I was able to be holed up in the house for four days tending to my son… I needed it.

I still would like to just wrap myself up in a blanket and stay in the bed… Cocoon myself from the reality of tragedy.

I don’t want to say that I’m having a hard time. That feels trite. My struggles are unimportant.

But I can’t even begin to catalog all the ways I’ve felt disappointed and heartbroken over the last week.

What I have sorted out is this: people are disappointing. Not all the time and not all the people, mind you. But, by and large, people are going to hurt you, disappoint you, wrong you… People are going to fuck up.

And there’s nothing we can do about it. White-knuckle grips on external things in an attempt to try to maintain some control over the external is worthless.

I have had something like a hundred conversations about mental health care and gun control, both online and offline, and the only thing I have learned from all of the conversations, aside from actually learning some of the specifics about gun laws/permitting, is that some of the people in my life that I consider friends — people that are important to the day to day of how my life functions — don’t care enough about our friendship. They are blinded to the fact that our friendship ought to hold some kind of value over “being right” or trying to win someone over to the other side.

You feel what you feel. I’ll feel what I feel… But when your feelings turn into sarcastic, mean-spirited, personal digs against my feelings, that’s the moment that it becomes clear to me that you really don’t value me.

That’s heartbreaking… And it feels trivial to even say it, but it just is really heartbreaking.